I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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