You're my little dorito
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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