I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
