Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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