What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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