btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
