dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
