So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
