how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
