Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
