Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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