Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
