Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
