just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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