this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
