I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Girls should come with a carfax report
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
