If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
