i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
