I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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