Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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