A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
