I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
