she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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