the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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