a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
