I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize