Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
