Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
