i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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