I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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