Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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