She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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