I wish I could teleport
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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