My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I touched a dick in church today
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
