please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
