Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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