New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
