This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
