Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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