R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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