i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
