I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
