tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
