Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
