dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
