dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
