Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
