so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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