There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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