I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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