Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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