A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
