I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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