just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
