who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
