i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
