I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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