i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
